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Trying To Open Up
It had been roughly three weeks since Miel had left the Rising Stones, saying that she needed some time alone to process. She had left the Scions with worried looks, and she supposes she can't blame them. None had ever seen her without a smile on her face, much less admitting to anything like that.
Truth be told, Miel wasn't even entirely sure what she meant by that, or even what exactly she intended to do at the time. Grief had ever been a companion to her, but it had been unknown to her, much less expressed after years of conditioning and denial, keeping it buried deep within her.
She had no idea how to handle grief in any healthy way.
So for once Miel choses to let her heart rather than her mind decide, and the first place her feet take her to mourn is the place where Wilred's body was found.
From there she returns to the Waking Sands, where they had lost so many of the Scions when Gaius had hunted for her and Lavanda.
She visits the kobolds of the 789th order to check on Ga Bu and spends long hours talking to him, and receiving silence in return.
To Haurchefant's grave where his sword and shield remained, shining as ever, the piece of his gambeson where Lavanda had stitched his scale was tied securely to the tomb, and all around were withered bouquets. Miel held her hand out and channeled the energy around her to make them blossom once more.
Ysayle had no marker to remember her by, yet she recalled all too well flowers that had been laid out on Azys Lha not far from its aetheryte, and she gave those the same treatment she gave Haurchefant's, laying out some of her own.
The next was perhaps the hardest. Rhalgar's Reach was the closest she had come to losing her brother on that day when they first met Zenos, and there was an eternal testament to that.She walked over to where he had fallen and there the earth was blackened and dead, making the rest of Gyr Abania look as vibrant and flourishing as the Shroud. Her memories of that day are blurry, blinded by fury and anguish as she'd been. All she knows is that at some point Zenos had left. At some point she'd dropped to her brother's side, white-faced and terrified and reaped all the energy from the land around her to heal him.
People were ignorant of healing magic. While there at least was the understanding it could not revive the dead, they seemed to believe that anything could be healed and it was simply a matter of skill. They didn't understand it couldn't mend ruptured organs. They didn't understand it couldn't make chronic conditions disappear. Somehow Zenos' attack had managed to miss anything vital and that was the only thing that kept Lavanda from dying…not her magic. For if it had nothing she nor Krile nor Alphinaud could have done would have prevented him from dying....all that would have changed was that she would have scorched more of the earth and extinguished her own life trying even knowing the futility of it all.
In Castrum Abania she recalls Conrad, an incredible man and leader taking way too see by the revolting tactics of the Empire's prince, a man who cared not to sacrifice his own men if it meant taking down his enemies.
And at long last she returns to her homeland where she made a tombstone some distance from Castrum Fluminis. The only person she had told about this was Lavanda for she knew that it would be met with anger, and in all likelihood defaced. It's not as dirty as she'd expect, and once more Miel has to remind herself it had only been roughly a month on the Source. Still she cleans it, lays down flowers, and cuts her hair at last to lay down before it.
And cries.
The culmination of a lifetime of hurt and loss finally comes spilling forth and she sobs, wails, lets it all pour forth.
When she finally returns to the Rising Stones she doesn’t feel any better but at the very least she has some ideas of things that need to change…something that she’s wanted to directly address for years but never has. So after greeting everyone with a weak and tired smile, she goes to Lavanda’s room and gives it a knock.
“Lavanda, are you there? I’m back.”
Buttons — 04/19/2023 12:27 PM
The man had tried his hardest not to worry about his sister.
Letting her go on an adventure of her own was not exactly a foreign concept - he knows his sister is capable, perhaps more than himself - but he still worries horribly that something may happen to her.
So he had spent his days doing tasks for the Scions, traveling back to the First to assist the Fae folk as he promised, and visiting Aymeric in Ishgard to see him whole.
When he hears the knock on the door, his head raises from the book he had been attempting to read, soft words on his lips trailing off. Setting it aside, he goes to the door and opens it, before wrapping Miel in the tightest hug he's possibly ever given her. "Welcome home."
Space Coco — 04/19/2023 12:38 PM
She immediately hugs him back.
It had been nothing compared to the seven months they had been separated when she'd arrived in the First, but she still felt his absence keenly. He had stilled missed him.
"Thank you, brother." She doesn't say anything for a good while, simply holds him tightly before she takes a deep breath in and pulls back so she can look up at him.
"Has everything been ok? How are you doing?"
Buttons — 04/19/2023 12:42 PM
"Oh, it's been fine. Doing tasks for Tataru, Feo Ul is growing displeased that I haven't called on them - I'm thinking we'll need to make a situation for them," He smiles, pulling away from the hug to ruffle her now-shortened hair.
"You know, I'm not exactly displeased to see you copying me," He says, fiddling with the ends of Miel's hair as he pokes a bit of fun at his own transformation from grief. "I just hope it helped you, Miel. Cutting it, I mean." He looks down for a moment, before back up to her. "I know for me, it ... it was like I was coming back to myself."
Space Coco — 04/19/2023 12:55 PM
She opens her mouth to respond to his comment on her hair, unsure of what to say. She doesn't think it did, but then her reasons for growing her hair out had been very different from her brother's.
His had been an expression of grief, a way to mourn the love that had been so unjustly and horrifically torn from him. Her's had been grown simply so that she could get into Eulmore. The truth of the matter is that while her grief had made her less caring of the dangers that came with her decision, she's not sure if she would have chosen differently even if she hadn't been drowning in it. After that they had been kept so busy and tired all the time she had simply not thought about cutting it until it was all over.
The mention of Feo Ul and their temper did bring a faint smile to her face. "I'm sure they'd appreciate it if you just called them even when there isn't something they can help with. They just want to spend more time with you." That said, it wasn't a bad idea either.
"...but. They do get upset when you don't rely on them. Which," quite frankly was a perfect lead in, "is something I want to talk to you about. Can we sit?"
Buttons — 04/19/2023 12:57 PM
"Of course we can." Lavanda opens his door for her, motioning for her to enter and once she does, moves to sit with her on his bed. "What's on your mind?"
Space Coco — 04/19/2023 1:29 PM
She enters and sits down, slipping out of her sandals so she could sit cross-legged on the bed.
How to start this, exactly?
She doesn't want to be combative about this but it's admittedly been a point of frustration for her for many years. A fang worries at her lower lip for a moment as she turns words carefully over in her mind before sighing and speaking up.
"Feo Ul gets angry with you when you don't call upon them because they love you. I won't claim that your reasons for not turning to them are the same as why you don't turn to me, or say that the anger Feo Ul feels stems for reasons similar to mine, but I understand how they feel, Lavanda. This is something that has been going on from the moment you found me."
She folds her hands in her lap, pausing.
"You say that you are my older brother anytime I call you out on it which....I don't know. I guess means you think you have to be the one who is always depended upon but I can't accept that anymore. I've never liked it. I've never liked having to always push other people who's help you will accept to you and pull others away so you can have your time with them or pretend I don't see what I see so you don't have to expend more effort on hiding. I don't like feeling like there's nothing I can do for you, that I'm so incompetent you can't turn to me when you need help. Especially...especially when it comes to your injuries."
She tenses and rubs at her arm. "I'm a healer, Van. A healer and a fighter. I know better than anyone the inevitability of injuries both in and out of battle. We've both sustained so many in the past, and we're going to get more in the future. That's an objective fact. Obviously I'm not happy when you get hurt, but I know it's going to happen, just like I know I'm going to get hurt. The part that upsets me is when you hide it."
An exhale. There was the first parts down.
"But then. It's not just the physical injuries. I don't. I mean. I want you to share your burdens, Lavanda. You carry so much on your own because you judge yourself on such a higher standard than everyone else and that's not right. We've been through so much. I'm not that eight yearr old you found lost in the snow anymore. I want to be there for you. You don't have to tell me everything right away, hells, I just took some time for myself, and I don't even have to be the first person you tell. I know you have Aymeric and Estinien but...I do want you to depend one me. I want us to be equals."
Buttons — 04/19/2023 2:38 PM
Lavanda's smile slowly falls, eyes growing sad as his sister lays in to him the words he probably should have heard moons ago. His tail comes up to wrap about his stomach in a self-soothing gesture as he looks down in to his lap.
"I never thought you were incompetent, Miel," His voice is soft, hands fiddling in his lap. "Gods, if anything the opposite."
The hands in his lap wring together as he tries to parse his words. "And I never thought you weren't my equal. I ..." His voice cracks, one hand moving to his throat to rub it, as if it were a physical issue.
"I figured since I was barely holding it together, you had to be the same." He finally, nervously, looks up at Miel. "I didn't want to add anything more, because I knew that in those moments if someone had to me ... as people have done to me ... that I would drown in it."
"I never thought you weren't my equal, Miel. If anything, I thought you better, and never wanted my own failings to become yet another problem on your back."
Space Coco — 04/19/2023 3:27 PM
She closes her eyes for a moment, trying to quiet the buzzing in her head. She hates seeing the smile fade from his face but she thinks it's important they talk about this. When she opens them she shifts slightly so she's more angled towards him and lays a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm not better than you, Van, and we all have our weaknesses. I certainly have my share. But...no. Please don't ever fear that. Whatever you carry, I shall carry with you, and I'll in turn let you in as well.
"There are some things that your friends and partners will understand better than I ever could. But there are some things that only we've been privy to, that we've experienced. Everything that we have learned about the Ascians for example it...it makes me not sure what to think anymore."
She leans in to hug him again.
"So. Can we please try? No more hiding anything. No more bearing it alone. I promise I'll do the same and share with you, if you promise me too. We'll lift each other. Not drown."
Buttons — 04/19/2023 3:39 PM
Lavanda really isn't sure he can make that promise - how could he ever hope to put anything on her shoulders when she had handled everything with a smile; when the only thing that seemed break her was the gods damned world shattering. The man looks visibly troubled, raising his arms in habit to hug his sister, but he says nothing; it's obvious by the look on his face that his own thoughts are going a mile a minute.
Space Coco — 04/19/2023 3:57 PM
That he doesn't speak is a little saddening but even more than that?
She's grateful that he isn't just making an empty promise in order to pacify her--that he's actually thinking about it so that he can give her a sincere answer. So for now she just continues to hold him, drawing him closer. She knows it won't be easy for him and that he'd have to fight against a lifetime of this notion that he has to protect everyone and be strong for them...so she can be patient.
Perhaps...perhaps if she offers something first, it will be easier? Sometime small. She thinks of all their recent experiences before she settles on one.
"I was...am sad that we had to kill Tesleen. I know it would have been a far greater cruelty to force her to continue to exist as she was--I'd certainly want to be killed if I ended up turning but." She shakes her head. She had known Tesleen for a long time having met her in her second month on the First, but she had never wanted to voice her sentiments for Alisaie had known her so much longer and been so much closer to her. She had wanted to be strong for her.
But that image still haunted her, as did all the other transformations she had seen.
Buttons — 04/19/2023 4:06 PM
The statement derails his thoughts, blinking and pulling back from the hug to look down at Miel. "... I'm not."
He adjusts how he's sitting as he ruminates on his thoughts, flexing one hand to crack and pop the joints in it. "I ... I am sad she turned, aye, but I am thankful we were there to stop her, before she could harm others." He sighs, raising a hand to rub at his throat again, the wretched nervous tick that only grew worse when Zenos had damn near gutted him in Rhalgr's Reach. "I think, I have to think, that it was better for us to do it, than the Exarch or Alisaie." Especially poor Alisaie.
Space Coco — 04/20/2023 9:14 AM
"Oh, certainly. I wouldn't change how we handled that situation if I could. I just. Wish it hadn't come to that to begin with, you know? She really did give her everything to protect the people at the Inn at Journey's End and I don't think there is anyone I'd wish that fate upon." Not even their worst enemy. Death was a kindness in comparison.
"No matter what happened around her she still managed to keep a smile on her face--a real smile. And she worked harder than anyone at the Inn. I think she and Alisaie...." She trailed off, certain she doesn't need to finish that sentence. In the moons she'd be there that had been one sliver of goodness she'd seen---the way those two looked at each other, rose each other up. Sadly she doesn't think they ever confessed. Now they would never.
Buttons — 04/20/2023 9:50 AM
Lavanda sighs, a heavy sound that betrays that many things on the First still weigh heavy on his heart. He shakes his head slightly, as if dislodging the many thoughts that roared to the forefront of his mind. "Alisaie has lost much over the past year. Mayhaps we should find her something to bring her a bit of joy?"
Space Coco — 04/20/2023 5:51 PM
Poisoned, stabbed, being separated for Alphinaud first when he went to Garlemald, then when he was taking to the First, and Gods know what she had to bear witness to in all her time at the Inn. Miel nodded in agreement.
"Think she's built of tougher stuff than you and me combined. That said I don't know what she'd like...we ought to get Alphinaud something as well." Miel half joked wryly.
Buttons — 04/20/2023 10:43 PM
"New sleep clothes." He answers immediately the unspoken question of 'what', before rubbing the back of his neck. "I recall Alphinaud's being more patches than not, from all our wandering through Coerthas and then the Steppe, and Alisae has always had a most utilitarian set. She should have something a bit more comfortable."
Space Coco — 04/21/2023 5:31 PM
Leave it to Lavanda to notice something like that. Miel barely noticed the patches on her own clothing. Sometimes she wondered if it was because he himself fixed them before they could get that bad.
"Sleep clothes it is. Should we buy them or do you want me to get the materials for you?"
Buttons — 04/21/2023 6:00 PM
That is, absolutely, the reason. Anything he cannot outright mend is always beautifully patched, sometimes with little flowers or bees in stitches overtop.
"Materials may be easier to find their size." He ponders. "And nicer fabric options that way."
Space Coco — 04/21/2023 6:03 PM
A small smile and then a nod.
"Then write down what you want and I'll get them as soon as possible." That was about all she'd be able to do. She was useless with a needle of any kind.
But they were starting to get off topic and that was more or less settled so she steered them back.
"Now you try, please. Something that's been weighing you that you haven't been able to get off your chest. It doesn't have to be anything big."
Buttons — 04/22/2023 12:09 PM
Lavanda frowns, partially at the idea of having to practice writing and partially trying to think of something that was bothering him that he would be willing to tell his sister. His brow furrows, lips pursed together.
In silence there is honesty, the man clearly trying to think.
"I ... I worry, for Ryne, once we bring Thancred and Urianger back."
Space Coco — 04/22/2023 4:54 PM
It was something that Miel appreciated and so she waiting patiently, say nothing nor making any expectant motion.
To hear that he worries about Ryne is hardly surprising. Her brother had ever had the habit of taking the young (and not so young) under his wing and caring for them. She herself was a prime example of that.
"Yea. She's been through a lot." And she was young. Miel had grown quite fond of the girl and been proud of how she had come onto her own, decided upon her own path and followed through with it. As much as she wished she could be there to watch her grow and help her along the way, the fact of the matter was that because of the time difference between the First and the Source, that was impossible. It would mean abandoning their home and everyone here. She's sure that Lavanda must feel that even more keenly.
"She's not alone anymore, locked up in that terrible place. The Crystarium is her home, and I'm sure the Exarch and everyone will be there to help her with anything she may need. Still. I know that doesn't make it any less frustrating to not be a part of that...but at least with Feo Ul we'll be able to keep in contact with her without trouble."
Buttons — 04/22/2023 5:23 PM
Lavanda sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "I know that, but it does little to ebb the worry." He sighs again, moving his hands in to his lap.
"... do I truly have to be the one to write the list?"
Space Coco — 04/22/2023 5:44 PM
She felt he was shifting topics rather quickly and that was a little disappointing.
"Not for this, no." Which held the promise that she would have him practice somehow but that was less important to her than them continuing to talk, so she let it go for now.
Buttons — 04/22/2023 5:47 PM
Lavanda gives her a smile, before his gaze returns to the hands in his lap. He can feel that weird, creeping sensation starting to crawl up his throat, the fogginess in his thoughts as nothing but deep, bone-deep exhaustion settles in him. He wrings his fingers together, brow furrowed and lips pursed.
Space Coco — 04/22/2023 8:01 PM
Her hands reach out to gently takes his into hers and she gives them a small squeeze. Years upon years of using them as weapons, only slightly enhanced and protected by her magic has hardened them and they've become crisscrossed with scars. Her thumbs rub over the back of his hands and just looks at him, studying his expression.
No. She doesn't think she's going to get the promise that she wants any time soon.
And...that's ok. Such a thing is something that can't just be stopped, even if someone wants to, but damn if she isn't going to keep on trying.
Yet that also means that until he can be fully open with her, she is not about to go laying any extra troubles on him. He had said it himself after all "because I knew that in those moments if someone had to me ... as people have done to me ... that I would drown in it."
She wanted to be his buoy, not drag him down...but she supposes she'll just have to keep doing what she has until now. When she sees him struggling, shove those he can feel free with towards him.
"Thanks for listening, Lavanda."
Buttons — 04/22/2023 9:25 PM
Is someone speaking to him?
The thought flitters through his mind, unheard in the grey sea that clogged his mind and his heart. Fog, thick and never-ending, pulling on his limbs and forcing him to sink lower and lower in to the Light-soaked snow.
Further, and further, deeper in until barely his head remains in the fog, he takes a deep breath before being submerged completely.
Lavanda. He hears his name, head snapping up to look at his sister. He feels her hands on his, looking down at them before back up to her.
"... I'm sorry, what did you say?" He asks, brow furrowing at his own lack of recall.
Space Coco — 04/22/2023 10:00 PM
It was worse than she thought. She looks at him for a moment, eyes boring into his--searching before she squeezes his hands again, this time more tightly.
"I said I'm here whenever you need to talk, Lavanda. Even if it's just the most random or irrelevant thing, if you just need someone to hear you, I'm here. If you want to talk about the weather, if you want to talk about Ryne, if you want to talk about some new quest, or a dish you ate that was particularly fine. If you want to ramble about your boyfriends. If you need to get something serious off your chest. I'm here."
She drops her gaze.
"But if you also just need someone around and to not talk I'm here for that too."
Buttons — 04/22/2023 10:12 PM
The man blinks a few times, before smiling, reaching up to ruffle Miel’s hair. "I ... I know, Miel. Thank you. For everything."
Truth be told, Miel wasn't even entirely sure what she meant by that, or even what exactly she intended to do at the time. Grief had ever been a companion to her, but it had been unknown to her, much less expressed after years of conditioning and denial, keeping it buried deep within her.
She had no idea how to handle grief in any healthy way.
So for once Miel choses to let her heart rather than her mind decide, and the first place her feet take her to mourn is the place where Wilred's body was found.
From there she returns to the Waking Sands, where they had lost so many of the Scions when Gaius had hunted for her and Lavanda.
She visits the kobolds of the 789th order to check on Ga Bu and spends long hours talking to him, and receiving silence in return.
To Haurchefant's grave where his sword and shield remained, shining as ever, the piece of his gambeson where Lavanda had stitched his scale was tied securely to the tomb, and all around were withered bouquets. Miel held her hand out and channeled the energy around her to make them blossom once more.
Ysayle had no marker to remember her by, yet she recalled all too well flowers that had been laid out on Azys Lha not far from its aetheryte, and she gave those the same treatment she gave Haurchefant's, laying out some of her own.
The next was perhaps the hardest. Rhalgar's Reach was the closest she had come to losing her brother on that day when they first met Zenos, and there was an eternal testament to that.She walked over to where he had fallen and there the earth was blackened and dead, making the rest of Gyr Abania look as vibrant and flourishing as the Shroud. Her memories of that day are blurry, blinded by fury and anguish as she'd been. All she knows is that at some point Zenos had left. At some point she'd dropped to her brother's side, white-faced and terrified and reaped all the energy from the land around her to heal him.
People were ignorant of healing magic. While there at least was the understanding it could not revive the dead, they seemed to believe that anything could be healed and it was simply a matter of skill. They didn't understand it couldn't mend ruptured organs. They didn't understand it couldn't make chronic conditions disappear. Somehow Zenos' attack had managed to miss anything vital and that was the only thing that kept Lavanda from dying…not her magic. For if it had nothing she nor Krile nor Alphinaud could have done would have prevented him from dying....all that would have changed was that she would have scorched more of the earth and extinguished her own life trying even knowing the futility of it all.
In Castrum Abania she recalls Conrad, an incredible man and leader taking way too see by the revolting tactics of the Empire's prince, a man who cared not to sacrifice his own men if it meant taking down his enemies.
And at long last she returns to her homeland where she made a tombstone some distance from Castrum Fluminis. The only person she had told about this was Lavanda for she knew that it would be met with anger, and in all likelihood defaced. It's not as dirty as she'd expect, and once more Miel has to remind herself it had only been roughly a month on the Source. Still she cleans it, lays down flowers, and cuts her hair at last to lay down before it.
And cries.
The culmination of a lifetime of hurt and loss finally comes spilling forth and she sobs, wails, lets it all pour forth.
When she finally returns to the Rising Stones she doesn’t feel any better but at the very least she has some ideas of things that need to change…something that she’s wanted to directly address for years but never has. So after greeting everyone with a weak and tired smile, she goes to Lavanda’s room and gives it a knock.
“Lavanda, are you there? I’m back.”
Buttons — 04/19/2023 12:27 PM
The man had tried his hardest not to worry about his sister.
Letting her go on an adventure of her own was not exactly a foreign concept - he knows his sister is capable, perhaps more than himself - but he still worries horribly that something may happen to her.
So he had spent his days doing tasks for the Scions, traveling back to the First to assist the Fae folk as he promised, and visiting Aymeric in Ishgard to see him whole.
When he hears the knock on the door, his head raises from the book he had been attempting to read, soft words on his lips trailing off. Setting it aside, he goes to the door and opens it, before wrapping Miel in the tightest hug he's possibly ever given her. "Welcome home."
Space Coco — 04/19/2023 12:38 PM
She immediately hugs him back.
It had been nothing compared to the seven months they had been separated when she'd arrived in the First, but she still felt his absence keenly. He had stilled missed him.
"Thank you, brother." She doesn't say anything for a good while, simply holds him tightly before she takes a deep breath in and pulls back so she can look up at him.
"Has everything been ok? How are you doing?"
Buttons — 04/19/2023 12:42 PM
"Oh, it's been fine. Doing tasks for Tataru, Feo Ul is growing displeased that I haven't called on them - I'm thinking we'll need to make a situation for them," He smiles, pulling away from the hug to ruffle her now-shortened hair.
"You know, I'm not exactly displeased to see you copying me," He says, fiddling with the ends of Miel's hair as he pokes a bit of fun at his own transformation from grief. "I just hope it helped you, Miel. Cutting it, I mean." He looks down for a moment, before back up to her. "I know for me, it ... it was like I was coming back to myself."
Space Coco — 04/19/2023 12:55 PM
She opens her mouth to respond to his comment on her hair, unsure of what to say. She doesn't think it did, but then her reasons for growing her hair out had been very different from her brother's.
His had been an expression of grief, a way to mourn the love that had been so unjustly and horrifically torn from him. Her's had been grown simply so that she could get into Eulmore. The truth of the matter is that while her grief had made her less caring of the dangers that came with her decision, she's not sure if she would have chosen differently even if she hadn't been drowning in it. After that they had been kept so busy and tired all the time she had simply not thought about cutting it until it was all over.
The mention of Feo Ul and their temper did bring a faint smile to her face. "I'm sure they'd appreciate it if you just called them even when there isn't something they can help with. They just want to spend more time with you." That said, it wasn't a bad idea either.
"...but. They do get upset when you don't rely on them. Which," quite frankly was a perfect lead in, "is something I want to talk to you about. Can we sit?"
Buttons — 04/19/2023 12:57 PM
"Of course we can." Lavanda opens his door for her, motioning for her to enter and once she does, moves to sit with her on his bed. "What's on your mind?"
Space Coco — 04/19/2023 1:29 PM
She enters and sits down, slipping out of her sandals so she could sit cross-legged on the bed.
How to start this, exactly?
She doesn't want to be combative about this but it's admittedly been a point of frustration for her for many years. A fang worries at her lower lip for a moment as she turns words carefully over in her mind before sighing and speaking up.
"Feo Ul gets angry with you when you don't call upon them because they love you. I won't claim that your reasons for not turning to them are the same as why you don't turn to me, or say that the anger Feo Ul feels stems for reasons similar to mine, but I understand how they feel, Lavanda. This is something that has been going on from the moment you found me."
She folds her hands in her lap, pausing.
"You say that you are my older brother anytime I call you out on it which....I don't know. I guess means you think you have to be the one who is always depended upon but I can't accept that anymore. I've never liked it. I've never liked having to always push other people who's help you will accept to you and pull others away so you can have your time with them or pretend I don't see what I see so you don't have to expend more effort on hiding. I don't like feeling like there's nothing I can do for you, that I'm so incompetent you can't turn to me when you need help. Especially...especially when it comes to your injuries."
She tenses and rubs at her arm. "I'm a healer, Van. A healer and a fighter. I know better than anyone the inevitability of injuries both in and out of battle. We've both sustained so many in the past, and we're going to get more in the future. That's an objective fact. Obviously I'm not happy when you get hurt, but I know it's going to happen, just like I know I'm going to get hurt. The part that upsets me is when you hide it."
An exhale. There was the first parts down.
"But then. It's not just the physical injuries. I don't. I mean. I want you to share your burdens, Lavanda. You carry so much on your own because you judge yourself on such a higher standard than everyone else and that's not right. We've been through so much. I'm not that eight yearr old you found lost in the snow anymore. I want to be there for you. You don't have to tell me everything right away, hells, I just took some time for myself, and I don't even have to be the first person you tell. I know you have Aymeric and Estinien but...I do want you to depend one me. I want us to be equals."
Buttons — 04/19/2023 2:38 PM
Lavanda's smile slowly falls, eyes growing sad as his sister lays in to him the words he probably should have heard moons ago. His tail comes up to wrap about his stomach in a self-soothing gesture as he looks down in to his lap.
"I never thought you were incompetent, Miel," His voice is soft, hands fiddling in his lap. "Gods, if anything the opposite."
The hands in his lap wring together as he tries to parse his words. "And I never thought you weren't my equal. I ..." His voice cracks, one hand moving to his throat to rub it, as if it were a physical issue.
"I figured since I was barely holding it together, you had to be the same." He finally, nervously, looks up at Miel. "I didn't want to add anything more, because I knew that in those moments if someone had to me ... as people have done to me ... that I would drown in it."
"I never thought you weren't my equal, Miel. If anything, I thought you better, and never wanted my own failings to become yet another problem on your back."
Space Coco — 04/19/2023 3:27 PM
She closes her eyes for a moment, trying to quiet the buzzing in her head. She hates seeing the smile fade from his face but she thinks it's important they talk about this. When she opens them she shifts slightly so she's more angled towards him and lays a hand on his shoulder.
"I'm not better than you, Van, and we all have our weaknesses. I certainly have my share. But...no. Please don't ever fear that. Whatever you carry, I shall carry with you, and I'll in turn let you in as well.
"There are some things that your friends and partners will understand better than I ever could. But there are some things that only we've been privy to, that we've experienced. Everything that we have learned about the Ascians for example it...it makes me not sure what to think anymore."
She leans in to hug him again.
"So. Can we please try? No more hiding anything. No more bearing it alone. I promise I'll do the same and share with you, if you promise me too. We'll lift each other. Not drown."
Buttons — 04/19/2023 3:39 PM
Lavanda really isn't sure he can make that promise - how could he ever hope to put anything on her shoulders when she had handled everything with a smile; when the only thing that seemed break her was the gods damned world shattering. The man looks visibly troubled, raising his arms in habit to hug his sister, but he says nothing; it's obvious by the look on his face that his own thoughts are going a mile a minute.
Space Coco — 04/19/2023 3:57 PM
That he doesn't speak is a little saddening but even more than that?
She's grateful that he isn't just making an empty promise in order to pacify her--that he's actually thinking about it so that he can give her a sincere answer. So for now she just continues to hold him, drawing him closer. She knows it won't be easy for him and that he'd have to fight against a lifetime of this notion that he has to protect everyone and be strong for them...so she can be patient.
Perhaps...perhaps if she offers something first, it will be easier? Sometime small. She thinks of all their recent experiences before she settles on one.
"I was...am sad that we had to kill Tesleen. I know it would have been a far greater cruelty to force her to continue to exist as she was--I'd certainly want to be killed if I ended up turning but." She shakes her head. She had known Tesleen for a long time having met her in her second month on the First, but she had never wanted to voice her sentiments for Alisaie had known her so much longer and been so much closer to her. She had wanted to be strong for her.
But that image still haunted her, as did all the other transformations she had seen.
Buttons — 04/19/2023 4:06 PM
The statement derails his thoughts, blinking and pulling back from the hug to look down at Miel. "... I'm not."
He adjusts how he's sitting as he ruminates on his thoughts, flexing one hand to crack and pop the joints in it. "I ... I am sad she turned, aye, but I am thankful we were there to stop her, before she could harm others." He sighs, raising a hand to rub at his throat again, the wretched nervous tick that only grew worse when Zenos had damn near gutted him in Rhalgr's Reach. "I think, I have to think, that it was better for us to do it, than the Exarch or Alisaie." Especially poor Alisaie.
Space Coco — 04/20/2023 9:14 AM
"Oh, certainly. I wouldn't change how we handled that situation if I could. I just. Wish it hadn't come to that to begin with, you know? She really did give her everything to protect the people at the Inn at Journey's End and I don't think there is anyone I'd wish that fate upon." Not even their worst enemy. Death was a kindness in comparison.
"No matter what happened around her she still managed to keep a smile on her face--a real smile. And she worked harder than anyone at the Inn. I think she and Alisaie...." She trailed off, certain she doesn't need to finish that sentence. In the moons she'd be there that had been one sliver of goodness she'd seen---the way those two looked at each other, rose each other up. Sadly she doesn't think they ever confessed. Now they would never.
Buttons — 04/20/2023 9:50 AM
Lavanda sighs, a heavy sound that betrays that many things on the First still weigh heavy on his heart. He shakes his head slightly, as if dislodging the many thoughts that roared to the forefront of his mind. "Alisaie has lost much over the past year. Mayhaps we should find her something to bring her a bit of joy?"
Space Coco — 04/20/2023 5:51 PM
Poisoned, stabbed, being separated for Alphinaud first when he went to Garlemald, then when he was taking to the First, and Gods know what she had to bear witness to in all her time at the Inn. Miel nodded in agreement.
"Think she's built of tougher stuff than you and me combined. That said I don't know what she'd like...we ought to get Alphinaud something as well." Miel half joked wryly.
Buttons — 04/20/2023 10:43 PM
"New sleep clothes." He answers immediately the unspoken question of 'what', before rubbing the back of his neck. "I recall Alphinaud's being more patches than not, from all our wandering through Coerthas and then the Steppe, and Alisae has always had a most utilitarian set. She should have something a bit more comfortable."
Space Coco — 04/21/2023 5:31 PM
Leave it to Lavanda to notice something like that. Miel barely noticed the patches on her own clothing. Sometimes she wondered if it was because he himself fixed them before they could get that bad.
"Sleep clothes it is. Should we buy them or do you want me to get the materials for you?"
Buttons — 04/21/2023 6:00 PM
That is, absolutely, the reason. Anything he cannot outright mend is always beautifully patched, sometimes with little flowers or bees in stitches overtop.
"Materials may be easier to find their size." He ponders. "And nicer fabric options that way."
Space Coco — 04/21/2023 6:03 PM
A small smile and then a nod.
"Then write down what you want and I'll get them as soon as possible." That was about all she'd be able to do. She was useless with a needle of any kind.
But they were starting to get off topic and that was more or less settled so she steered them back.
"Now you try, please. Something that's been weighing you that you haven't been able to get off your chest. It doesn't have to be anything big."
Buttons — 04/22/2023 12:09 PM
Lavanda frowns, partially at the idea of having to practice writing and partially trying to think of something that was bothering him that he would be willing to tell his sister. His brow furrows, lips pursed together.
In silence there is honesty, the man clearly trying to think.
"I ... I worry, for Ryne, once we bring Thancred and Urianger back."
Space Coco — 04/22/2023 4:54 PM
It was something that Miel appreciated and so she waiting patiently, say nothing nor making any expectant motion.
To hear that he worries about Ryne is hardly surprising. Her brother had ever had the habit of taking the young (and not so young) under his wing and caring for them. She herself was a prime example of that.
"Yea. She's been through a lot." And she was young. Miel had grown quite fond of the girl and been proud of how she had come onto her own, decided upon her own path and followed through with it. As much as she wished she could be there to watch her grow and help her along the way, the fact of the matter was that because of the time difference between the First and the Source, that was impossible. It would mean abandoning their home and everyone here. She's sure that Lavanda must feel that even more keenly.
"She's not alone anymore, locked up in that terrible place. The Crystarium is her home, and I'm sure the Exarch and everyone will be there to help her with anything she may need. Still. I know that doesn't make it any less frustrating to not be a part of that...but at least with Feo Ul we'll be able to keep in contact with her without trouble."
Buttons — 04/22/2023 5:23 PM
Lavanda sighs, rubbing the back of his neck. "I know that, but it does little to ebb the worry." He sighs again, moving his hands in to his lap.
"... do I truly have to be the one to write the list?"
Space Coco — 04/22/2023 5:44 PM
She felt he was shifting topics rather quickly and that was a little disappointing.
"Not for this, no." Which held the promise that she would have him practice somehow but that was less important to her than them continuing to talk, so she let it go for now.
Buttons — 04/22/2023 5:47 PM
Lavanda gives her a smile, before his gaze returns to the hands in his lap. He can feel that weird, creeping sensation starting to crawl up his throat, the fogginess in his thoughts as nothing but deep, bone-deep exhaustion settles in him. He wrings his fingers together, brow furrowed and lips pursed.
Space Coco — 04/22/2023 8:01 PM
Her hands reach out to gently takes his into hers and she gives them a small squeeze. Years upon years of using them as weapons, only slightly enhanced and protected by her magic has hardened them and they've become crisscrossed with scars. Her thumbs rub over the back of his hands and just looks at him, studying his expression.
No. She doesn't think she's going to get the promise that she wants any time soon.
And...that's ok. Such a thing is something that can't just be stopped, even if someone wants to, but damn if she isn't going to keep on trying.
Yet that also means that until he can be fully open with her, she is not about to go laying any extra troubles on him. He had said it himself after all "because I knew that in those moments if someone had to me ... as people have done to me ... that I would drown in it."
She wanted to be his buoy, not drag him down...but she supposes she'll just have to keep doing what she has until now. When she sees him struggling, shove those he can feel free with towards him.
"Thanks for listening, Lavanda."
Buttons — 04/22/2023 9:25 PM
Is someone speaking to him?
The thought flitters through his mind, unheard in the grey sea that clogged his mind and his heart. Fog, thick and never-ending, pulling on his limbs and forcing him to sink lower and lower in to the Light-soaked snow.
Further, and further, deeper in until barely his head remains in the fog, he takes a deep breath before being submerged completely.
Lavanda. He hears his name, head snapping up to look at his sister. He feels her hands on his, looking down at them before back up to her.
"... I'm sorry, what did you say?" He asks, brow furrowing at his own lack of recall.
Space Coco — 04/22/2023 10:00 PM
It was worse than she thought. She looks at him for a moment, eyes boring into his--searching before she squeezes his hands again, this time more tightly.
"I said I'm here whenever you need to talk, Lavanda. Even if it's just the most random or irrelevant thing, if you just need someone to hear you, I'm here. If you want to talk about the weather, if you want to talk about Ryne, if you want to talk about some new quest, or a dish you ate that was particularly fine. If you want to ramble about your boyfriends. If you need to get something serious off your chest. I'm here."
She drops her gaze.
"But if you also just need someone around and to not talk I'm here for that too."
Buttons — 04/22/2023 10:12 PM
The man blinks a few times, before smiling, reaching up to ruffle Miel’s hair. "I ... I know, Miel. Thank you. For everything."